[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
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At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Fluff me with a fork baby
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell