I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
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My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!