Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
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Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”