me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
You Might Also Like
channeling her this year
all bases covered
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.