me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
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If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
goldfish mafia
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
True?
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.