According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
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A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it