She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
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It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Lmao 🤣
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.