Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
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You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.