Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
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Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”