me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
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Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
just gave your address to some spiders
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band