Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
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“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*