Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
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sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.