[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
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my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Hot Hot Hot
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.