I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
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I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100