what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
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Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans