[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
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My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
me, too, girl. me, too.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear