French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
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Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Seems legit
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever