There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
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[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.