I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
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[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.