FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
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Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Oops I deleted….
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English