You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
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When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!