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MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!