Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
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Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”