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Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with