Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
You Might Also Like
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Camping tip: No.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.