The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
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I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.