When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
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4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
#gardening
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??