[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
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Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Hero horse inspires millions
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”