Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
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booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
security at the airport getting more straightforward