Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
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[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..