me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
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‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Thinking about Jeff
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!