Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
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I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
is this how new cars are made??
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019