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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware