Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
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I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”