That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
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North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
? 💀
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
We’ve all been there
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.