*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
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I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Are we there yet?…
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain