I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
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Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
let’s discuss
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.