This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
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Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
m’lady
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?