NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
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It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
How to wake up a Beagle
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.