Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
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Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Lmao the reply
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Lmfao
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I know a bad idea when I see one.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge