Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
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If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.