I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
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Boating season is upon us.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I want what they have
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year