It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
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*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.