Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
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*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
According to math, I’m broke
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Squirrels before girls.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much