I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
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[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
me refusing to leave twitter
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles