[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
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BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
My dress code is business-casualty.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.