[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
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I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.