I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
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Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
the icebreaker
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best