Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
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yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
spicy snake
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets