Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
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me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Every damn time
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody